As I was growing up, my parents taught me that the Bible is the ultimate authority and that I would stand before God one day to give account of myself. I grew up afraid of hell and lived in fear about spiritual things. I said a prayer several times, knowing that I had to ask Jesus into my heart to save me, but I never had peace, only confusion. I knew I had to believe but I was plagued with fear and doubt. I made many childhood “professions.” I sincerely tried very hard to live a good Christian life.

I grew into my teens; I thought less and less about God and enjoyed sin more and more; sin no longer “felt” bad! I eventually got married and had a family, and God started working in my heart again. Certain life circumstances prompted me to earnestly seek God. Believing I was saved but having no peace or assurance, I counseled with a pastor who was kind but ignorant of what the Bible teaches: he told me as long as I was sincere, I was saved. This confused me more. I had a PROFOUND emptiness and desire to be right with God but carried such heavy guilt. I tried SO hard to be a good Christian but it left me empty and frustrated.

God in His goodness brought my husband and me to a church that preached the Bible and to a pastor who knew God’s Word. The truth I heard made me confront my confusion. Why did I constantly doubt? Why was I so afraid? But I said a prayer! I was sincere! I would look for reassurances that I was saved—Satan always provided them—but they never lasted long.

I went to talk to my Pastor to find some assurance—I wanted to know I had “done everything right!” At one point my Pastor looked at me and said, “Sometimes you just have to trust God with it.” I was filled with dread and fear—I knew I couldn’t just let go and trust God. I felt utterly engulfed in hopelessness and remained that way for a very long time.

God began stripping away my own “righteousness”—all my false understandings and attitudes I had built up over the years of being religious and self-righteous. He was good to do this! “But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, long suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth.” (Psalm 86:15)

When the Lord showed me I was truly lost, I would have dreams about trying to muster faith; I knew Jesus had died for my sins but I didn’t believe God would save ME. I tried many times to pray; I felt too wicked to be saved. I saw Jesus’ tender and compassionate love for the prostitute and the “dregs of society” but I was more like the self-righteous, religious Pharisee. I didn’t feel like God wanted to save someone like me—I wished I was a drug addict or a prostitute because I was sure God loved THEM but not me!

He began to show me His Word: “Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth.” (1 Timothy 2:4) “For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.” (Romans 5:6) “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) This was SUCH a revelation to me! In trying to clean up my life and be good enough I was moving farther away from the grace of God!

I determined that when I “got saved” I was going to make sure I did everything right! But that’s still not faith: it is works. “Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;” (Titus 3:5) I continued to try to “be saved”—to “feel” faith. My Pastor would use the analogy of jumping off a cliff and trusting God to catch me—that TERRIFIED me!

FINALLY, my own efforts exhausted, I knew I must simply trust and believe what God had promised. After having tried to ask Him to save me so very many times before, on a Sunday afternoon, I stopped trying to do everything right, and simply asked Him, based on His Word, to save me. He, HIMSELF gave the faith and repentance needed for salvation; it wasn’t something I could muster or would ever be able to do on my own. I just believed what He said: “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) I “jumped off the cliff” and He caught me!!! The blindness and guilt was lifted and SO much made sense!

True salvation’s effect was and is profound! I am STILL amazed how God can take a COMPLETELY broken, sin-cursed life and patiently put it back together and make it into a joyful, meaningful one! GOD IS GOOD! Psalm 107:8 says, “Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!”